all the time in the world…

the white flash :: modeselektor ft thom yorke 
[from happy birthday, 2007]


these last few days have felt like my own private screenplay. sleeping hasn’t seemed to come naturally and im exhausted, feeling as if im still in motion, that everything keeps on moving. 

my mother woke up last saturday morning to feeling so dizzy that she could barely even move. she thought maybe she was really exhausted and went back to bed until she awoke again to no feeling in her arm, and no ability to even sit up or walk. her soft words were slurred.. and her confused answers didnt make any sense at all. 

everything inside of me opened up and brokedown as i watched my mother having a stroke in front of me.  rushing to the hospital and having no direction as to where i was, it almost felt impossible to get there. the vibration of the car began to feel like a rollercoaster stuck inside a maze and my mind went thirty thousand times per second. to actually feel so alone and vulnerable at a moment like that, to take care of your actual parent, thinking this was the end was extremely emotional and difficult. 

with each moment that early morning felt awakening and more than spiritual. towards the emergency room, our lost drive began to be comforting as the warm fall winds guided us through hidden gardens of velvet green grass, bright sunlight and tall oak trees amongst the sky above so blue. all i could strangely think was that it would be okay if my mom died today, because at least it was… beautiful. 

24 Responses

  1. littlevalentine

    I understand this feeling more than you may think. I know this is a little late, but my heart goes out to you and your kin. Light can shine through and it will

  2. sebalaura

    Thank you for sharing this. I can feel the experience that you describe. Hopefully being able to communicate these deep moments of the soul will help soothe your feelings of loneliness and sadness. You remainded me of all the hidden beauty that surrounds us. I wish you and your mother all the best.

  3. musicisart

    thankyou so much for the beautiful thoughts and prayers, it really meant so much to me. my mom is now out of the hospital.
    these past two weeks have become a wake up call to an entirely different way of life. my only hope is that things will keep getting better and growing stronger.

  4. Jessica

    I must tell you that if you can see the beauty in the world while the specter of death dances so near, you truly have some peace in your heart that is absent in most. Sending healing light in the form of love to your mother,


  5. Ed

    I’m sorry about your mother. You seem like a very sweet sensitive person otherwise you wouldn’t be able to write the way you do. I think you may be scared right now but you’ll be allright. Your mother may be depressed after this and so may you. A lot more people care than you think. They just do not know what to say. Take care and keep doing what you do best.

  6. John

    I think you are a beautiful soul – I know you are … thank you for speaking your heart …

  7. ang

    i don’t even remember how i stumbled across you here, but, well…thanks. this has been a running theme for me lately…trying to find the beauty in everything. i’ve been pretty lost, and suffering (sometimes, but sometimes, i actually like it.) from insomnia. i’ve been having daydreams (day-nightmares?) about losing people i love. your remark about the beauty of it just makes me feel a little less crazy. so…thanks, i guess. 🙂

  8. neil

    i never knew someone like you even existed. i’m still in shock as tears run down my face. you are a beautiful, beautiful soul… just want you to know you’re in my thoughts and much, much love goes to you and your mother.

  9. Jean

    i hope your mom is ok. my thoughts are with you. i’m very glad this feeling of serenity could comfort you during such a turbulent time.

  10. HR

    i am so sorry to hear about this…i hope your mother will be ok….i love how you say everything opened up and brokedown inside you….more than spiritual…you really know how to make the most out of what happened…appreciating life to its fullest….have to go now…don’t have much time on the computer…

  11. ashley jackson-pierce

    this is one of the most beautiful things i’ve ever read. you know i have you and your mother in my thoughts.

  12. Ample Sanity

    […] the telephone in up to eleven different languages. Listening To: The London Book of the Dead. All the time in the world. “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Mary Oliver Return […]

  13. Johnny

    With great sadness the creative Spirit goes into overdrive, the senses highten, but we all have Love at our sides when called on always,and your Mother has the best medicine in the Universe, which the Love of such a Beautiful, caring, thoughtful and Loving daughter,Blessings and healing prayers have been sent wholesale by many, many of your friends, Johnny . x X

  14. Anne

    Shock insulates, yet affords a detached clarity of thought and vision. I wish the best possible outcome, suitable to the circumstances. Kindly concern and affection sent.